Settled – that’s the word I think of for 31. Some may view it as ‘old’ while many would probably give their left arm to be this age again. It’s viewed as an exciting time, because usually at this point, life is a little more clear – personally, financially, mentally. We made it through our 20’s, mourned leaving our 20’s, and now accepted our fate and embraced our 30’s for the next 9 years. Generally, you know what you want in life and have probably made significant steps to get you there. (#adulting) We still think we have our whole lives ahead of us to start a family, reach that goal, buy that car, take that vacation, make that phone call, take that chance. After all, 31 is not the end…it’s only the beginning.

On March 13, 2013, my husband, Jonathan joined the 31 club. Barely able to stay awake, he made it through the celebration we all so desperately wanted to give him. For Jonathan, 31 was not the beginning, it was the end. A life of 31 years ended just 2 weeks in. No more hopes, no more dreams, no more chances to take the vacation, or make the phone call. No starting a family or buying that car. A beautiful life came abruptly to an end far sooner than it should have.

But boy did he live during those 31 years! When I met Jonathan in 2009, he was 27 years old and told a life story that most 50 year olds couldn’t tell. It was almost as if he knew time was short. If you had the honor of knowing him, then you know this to be true. He owned nothing that couldn’t fit in a suitcase so he could leave at a moment’s notice. (An unsettling thought being his girlfriend at the time.) He made smart decisions and really terrible decisions. He started businesses, moved across the country, moved to Mexico, bought cars, sold cars, bought more cars, took chances, faked it till he made it like no one could even believe, fished weekly, surrounded himself with a ‘counsel’ of friends, and did exactly what he wanted at all times. He knew what he wanted long before 31 and while he may not have always known how to get it, he was determined to find it. From the moment I met him, he became the most interesting, inspiring person I knew because he never let life tell him, ‘no.’ He truly lived every moment.

On August 6, I entered the 31 club. To say that it has taken on a totally new meaning to me would be an understatement. Neither Jonathan nor I fit into the ’31 year old box.’ I’m not settled, I don’t know what I want, and certainly don’t know where I’m going. But over the last 3+ years, I have made significant steps to get me to this unknown place I long to be. Those close to me know the hell these last 5 years and certainly the last 3 have been. 27, 28, 29, 30…years of my life spent so grief stricken and hopeless, unable to see the future or even care if there was one. That’s hard to share but so true. That’s not what your 20’s are supposed to look like. I’m left asking, ‘why is this my story, God’?! Did you really think this was a good narrative for mine and Jonathan’s life?! Do you not see the horrible people in this world that you could have thrown this on instead of us?!

Suprisingly, no word from God yet on His thought process… So what do you do with that? What do you do with unanswered questions and a life scattered in a million pieces?!

The process is certainly worth it’s own post (maybe 3), but I can tell you that I am finally coming out of a very dark place. It has taken years of hard work and more therapy than you can imagine, but I’m here. The clouds are not so dark, the tunnel actually has a light and life feels worth living. I firmly believed that this day would never come for me, and that’s why I share it. Aside from actually losing Jonathan, it was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life, but my gosh, was it worth it. The progress does not mean that I miss Jonathan any less or that I don’t still have hard days. It means that the tight grip grief had on my life is slowly easing up, and it does not control me anymore…majority of the time.

For the first time in 5 years I have hope for the future, truly. I’m excited about life again. This year (summer) I decided I’m finally taking my life back…I’m no longer allowing grief to run my life and rob me of the beautiful things still left in this world. I’m going to live again, fully and with more intention for me and for him. I don’t want to sit back and watch life pass me by anymore, and because of the hard work I’ve put in over the years emotionally, I no longer have to.

This week 5 years ago, our whole lives changed with a cancer diagnosis. This week represents loss, pain, suffering and death, but that’s not what I want the memory of such a beautiful person and life to be. His fight and his life are not defined by cancer nor mine by grief. He did not lose a battle and he was not defeated. Neither was I. In years past, this week has been filled with very sad, sometimes debilitating days where I can’t leave the house. But as I write this, I am sitting in a condo in Keystone, CO, admiring this view on my first journey alone as new, alive Lindsey. I know that’s cheesy but I don’t care because it’s true. Never would it have even been a thought that I would be alone during this week and so far from home. But here I am, remembering the past and celebrating the future. It’s a really big deal and I’m really proud of myself! (humble brag) Well, actually no, not a humble brag…a full blown honest brag. When you’re unable to leave the house for years and you travel alone for the first time during a traditionally hard week, you get to brag just a little. Another interesting twist is that this year the days and dates are aligned the same as they were in 2011. That means everyday is exactly the same timeline. Translation: trigger nightmare often leading to emotional ICU. So back to humbleness, please pray for me that the week continues as it has been.

#Living31

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through this process is that it’s ok to ask for help, which is very difficult for a reformed control freak…ok, reform-ing control freak. So I’m challenging and inviting all of you to join me in ‘Living 31.’ I’m challenging all of you to also live with intention and purpose and stop putting things off! Live for today; live for yourself; live for your spouse or your kids; live for those who no longer get to! Maybe you’ve been putting off that next step, that vacation, that phone call, that risk, that goal. Whatever it is, I would love to have all of you on this journey with me. I need accountability when the hard days hit and there’s nothing like having a community of people supporting you! If I see you doing it, then it reminds me to keep going. You’ll see me going, I’ll see you going, we’ll see others going, and together we’ll all just be living it out! I’m not really social media savvy, but let’s use #living31 if/when (hopefully when) we post something that this inspired us to do or just shows us living life in general. It could be something as simple as “took a shower today” because if you didn’t do that yesterday, then it’s worth celebrating! #beenthere

I, personally, made a Living 31 bucket list and I’ll be sharing the list as I face things. Number 1 on my list is to travel, and I’d say I’m doing a pretty good so far. I’ll be broke soon but memories last a lifetime, money doesn’t, right?! Since my birthday, I’ve been to Seacrest, Fl., Chicago, and Denver/Keystone. Sidenote: I’m convinced God lives in Colorado in the fall…it’s so ridiculously beautiful. It even lightly snowed this morning, which I believe was my little sign from God and Jonathan. Jonathan had a very special connection to Colorado so I knew this was the perfect place for this week.

Starting this blog is another item and one that I’ve been terrified to do (still terrified). My dad always says, ‘Do it afraid‘ so here I go. I have learned through this journey that being vulnerable is not a bad thing, and if my honesty and vulnerability can help one person take that next step, then I’m willing to put myself out there. I’m starting to have a more normal functioning life, but for years I didn’t. I look forward to sharing what I’ve gone through, where I am today, and where I go in the future. I don’t see myself as inspirational or strong, but I do see myself as a fighter not willing to give up, no matter what. #FIYA

‘In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. … I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.’ – Brene Brown

Jonathan didn’t get to live out 31, but God willing, I do…we all do. Life is too short to not make it count, and while we can’t rewrite history, we can start a new chapter today! Thank you for reading this, thank you for being on this journey, and thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. I’m excited to see how God turns this tragic story into a beautiful one. Welcome to the journey!

Keep going,

Lindsey